Just a bit nuts

So here I am, I'm freaking 38 and I dont really know how I got here, I was young and then I was just not! I dont know were my youth went, but it definitely left me, stranding alone. 

Allow me to explain.

I was about 18 when I first really realised that something was "off" with me. I was depressed, so the doctor gave me pills for that. But it did not go away, I was not just depressed, I was also way to happy at times, so creative, I sang, I played the guitar and I painted beautiful pictures, I even made jewellery. But after the high, came the low..

The low was a black hole, only darkness, were did all that happiness go? It just left me. I should have seen the signs, but I didn't, I didn't know what the signs meant, I was so young. My youth went away with torture and flying in the skies. Now you are probably thinking, hello its so plain to see, but when no one tells you about the signs, then you just think you are strange and you dont know how to fix it.

All of my youth, just taken away, men wanted me, but mostly just for fun, and I let them, I didnt think I was worth much, I was just "fucked up" no one would ever want me. I had some relationships, but the were hell on earth, I would always pick the wrong men, I didnt know they were wrong, but they were. They used me, did what the wanted with me, they abused me and told me it was my fault, and I believed them.

When I look back, I just want to tell the younger me to RUN! Run as fast as you can, get away, get help.

When I was 29 I got in a good relationship, or so I thought. It was great for a while, and he helped me a lot, I will always be grateful for that. When I was about 30/31 I was so low, I was cutting myself with racor blades, I coulden't take the pain anymore, the black hole got bigger. It got to a point were I got an appointment with my doctor and for the first time in my life I finally laid it all on the table . I looked at him and I said "if I dont get help right now, I will kill my self"! He listened, he picked up the phone and called the psychiatric ward, and the same day I got there, and thank God for that!

A psychiatric talked to me and told me to tell my story, that had never happened to me before, the other doctors just gave me pills and that was that. I told her every bit off how I felt, my down falls and me flying in the skies.

She looked at me and I will never forget what she said.

"Have you ever thought about that you might be bipolar?".

All the pieces suddenly came together, off course!

Well..it turns out she was right, they had a psychiatrist do a lot of "tests" on me. Yes, no doubt, you are bipolar.

I got the help I needed, group therapy and what not. Off course also medication.

Later in life I got pregnant, It was a shock, but I lost the baby and that got me back in the black hole, I really wanted that baby. My boyfriend and I got further and further apart because of that. A year later I got pregnant again, I could not believe it, TWINS! and I did not loose them, now they are 5 years old and the love off my life.

Me and my boyfriend didn't make it, he was in his own hole, he could not handle it, it was all to much for him, and I had to leave him, he was also drinking way to much every day.

So here I am, just a bit crazy, but also happy. Sometimes I'm not, I have PTSD because I got raped one time, and because I was in a violent relationship at one point. But I'm here, a mom, I never thought I would get here, but here I am, with all my broken pieces, but my kids dont mind, they think I'm the best. 

My past is my past, I can not change it, even though I really really wish I could. I mourn the young girl who never got away, I was her and she haunts me some times, all the shit that happened haunts me.

It is okay. Yes, I'm "damaged goods", but so what?

I still struggle with myself, but I know things are better than before and that gives me comfort. My kids take the darkness away, they are my everything. I'm not in any relationship, and I prefer it that way, that way I dont get hurt. Maybe some day there will come someone who will make me believe in love again, love between a woman and a man, but I'm not counting on that.

I still sing sometimes and play guitar, it makes me happy. I turn up the music and me and my kids dance, we dont care how stupid we look, we just dance with every fiber in our bodies, and that helps to.

If you're reading this and thinking, "hmmm, that kind of reminds me of me". Then sweet girl "RUN". Run for your life!! Get help, and love yourself, you are not to blame for others behavior! Please just love yourself, dont loose your youth like I did.